My First Love Taught Me

My first love was Chucky, and I'm trying to remember if I dated anyone before him. I think I dated Trevor for like a minute and Tim for a very short time. That was in early high school. Chucky and I met in middle school, but we started dating during my sophomore or junior year—I’m not sure which. I got to know him on a bus trip with the marching band, but romantic feelings didn't take over until we were in the middle of a car crash after a Sandi Patty Messiah concert. 

There was a lot that Chucky taught me. Most of it was probably not good, but he did teach me that people are who they say they are. He showed me that fighting for someone's attention isn’t worth it and that compromising to get what I want in a relationship doesn’t end well.

One thing about Chucky was that he didn’t require me to be anybody else, and he didn’t expect me to play dumb. Chucky valued my intelligence.

A lot of high school guys were put off by my intelligence. They felt like I was insulting them by using words they didn’t understand. But Chucky never felt like I was talking down to him. He was proud to have a smart girlfriend—and that was important to me. Our conflict came from the fact that he wanted to have sex, and I didn’t. So, he would drop me anytime he thought he had a chance with another girl, especially if he thought he could get sex from her. Then, inevitably, we’d get back together because that’s how those kinds of relationships go. I learned from him that a person who won’t say they love me, really doesn’t love me—even if I feel loved by them. He taught me what conditional love has to offer.

I know it’s not okay, but I feel like I still do that—I still accept less because I don’t expect more. It was kind of fair, though. I wanted love from that relationship, and he wasn’t willing to give that. He wanted sex from that relationship, and I wasn’t willing to give that. If we had been mature adults, we might have recognized that we wanted different things and should’ve just let it go.

Chucky and I navigated that teenage stuff together. I’m incredibly grateful to have had someone who was gentle and fun to go through all of that nonsense with. I don’t know if it would have been any better any other way.

I don’t know what I would have learned if I had found somebody who genuinely loved me and was willing to say so. You’re not in love in high school. You just aren’t. So the fact that he wouldn’t say that he was—maybe that’s good. I don’t know.

He certainly didn’t do anything to curb my fear of abandonment. He would just abandon me if he thought he could get laid with someone else. But he did teach me that it’s important to have fun. Chucky lives for fun—that’s his thing. So what life lesson did my first love teach me? There’s no value in compromise.

I feel like he taught me that if I accept trade-offs, I will get trade-offs.

Nothing to Fear

I haven't written poetry since I was an angsty teenager, but this one came to me line by line in a moment of meditative prayer. I'm pretty sure I'm meant to share it.

The battle inside you has been raging for eternity.

It's not new, it's not you

It's good versus evil.

Those demons aren't yours

They're just using you.

They cower from Truth.

You can banish them.

In the begining, there was Light.

This is the Word and it's right. 

Speak Truth to the devil

and he must flee. 

Shine Light into darkness

And it can't be. 

The enemy stalks you but can't come near. 

There is nothing to fear but fear. 

If this speaks to you in some way, then stop reading and keep your own meaning. If it doesn't and you'd like to know what it means to me, continue on. 

This poem speaks to the process of changing my life through Christ. God wasn't being mean to me. I live in a world that has fallen to darkness. God didn't single me out for hardship and pain. Hardship and pain are an inevitable part of the human experience. We don't have personal demons. Our enemy, Satan, and his minions use our painful experiences to torment us. Satan and his demons have no power against the truth of God's love for us. If we bring Jesus into the fight, our enemy will turn tail and run. 

The second half of the poem starts with a paraphrase of John's description of Jesus and a nod to the bible as the infallible word of God. Truth, Light, and Word are capitalized because they reference Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. The last line can be read as a comforting truth or powerful declaration of victory. 

 

Communication is Key

Every year as the holiday season comes to an end, I ask God to give me a single word that will serve as a guide for whatever the coming year has for me. This year God gave me the word "participate."

Although there’s a lot more to this story, for the purpose of brevity, I’ll start in October. That's when my very best friends, who accounted for at least 70% of my social interactions, moved to Minnesota. 

My first reaction was a bit of panic. What would I do without them next door? How was I going to fill the gaping hole that would be left in my day-to-day life?

That thought process quickly yielded to the acknowledgment that God brought them into my life to serve a very specific purpose and their departure would also have purpose. 

My second thought was that God was probably making space in my life for a significant relationship to form. I was so very ready for that to happen, and I really wanted to get the ball rolling. (God loves a doer, right?)

I understood the assignment. I was pretty sure I'd need to put myself in a position to meet new people. I would need to participate in activitiesand groups and events. And if a romantic relationship was on the horizon, I should put some effort into my looks -- lose weight, wear makeup and maybe even dress like a girl from time to time. 

It’s not biblical, but it makes sense, right?

Abstract concepts related to participation started floating around right above my head like one of those word clouds graphic designers like to use to visually represent a complex concept.

I met a Christian man on a new Christian dating app and I was convinced this was it. Everything seemed to be lining up and it all made sense, right?

I wasn’t really attracted to him, but we had some things in common. I was convinced that this must be the guy God had for me, so I pursued it. People in their 40s don’t get swept up in attraction and chemistry the way people in their teens and 20s do. Right?

To my simultaneous disappointment and relief, he admitted he wasn't attracted to me either and wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me. 

My parents arrived in November for our holiday visit, so dating fell completely off the radar. I guess I misunderstood what God was saying.

Around mid-December, it was clear to me that participate was my word for 2022. The word was everywhere. It came up in nearly every conversation and just wouldn’t go away.

I had no idea what it meant or how to act on it, but with uncharacteristic humility and patience I decided to let God reveal it to me.

My typical strategy of guessing God's will and making assumptions about his plan for my life was proving unreliable, so I waited for clarity. 

I asked for clarity in my prayers. I looked for clarity in the Bible and meditated on its words during my daily devotions. I listened for clarity in the praise and worship music I enjoy during my morning walk. 

I didn't rush into action. 

I even engaged in fellowship with trusted Christian advisors to help me avoid running off in the wrong direction. 

For the first time since this journey began, I am genuinely excited to participate in God's plan for my life on His terms. To collaborate with Him toward the fulfillment of His will and to partner with him on the project he started in Genesis. 

Slowing down and allowing God to speak to me in his own time has been a game changer. Impatiently finishing His sentences or rushing to action before I have the full instructions has been a barrier to communication in the same way it would be with anyone.

Participation has already been an incredibly important word for me this year and I suspect it will continue to apply to various situations throughout the year.

Communicating effectively is the first step to growing a relationship with anyone. 

It’s been a huge obstacle in my relationship with God, but I feel like I might finally be getting it.

I do think God made space in my life for a significant relationship to grow. I believe that relationship is with him.   

Something Is Happening

Note: I'm no longer apologizing for the "churchy" stuff, but I will provide a glossary of terms at the bottom to promote clarity of communication between me and any of my readers who might not know what these words mean.  :) 

Something is happening. I don't know if it's just for me or there's something happening on a much larger scale, but I can feel it. The spirit of God is in motion. 

If you've been with me since June of 2015 or at anytime in my life before that, you know I've been on a journey. I didn't come easily to a place of faith, trust and obedience to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I struggled with it. I doubted God and Jesus. I doubted myself and my ability to recognize truth in reality. 

I asked a lot of questions along the way and I still have a lot of question. If you are interested in that process, it's pretty much all in this blog. I tried to represent my journey as honestly and accurately as possible - for my own benefit and for the reader's benefit. 

One part I didn't write much about is when I stopped going to church for a bit. My grief journey was completely integrated with my faith journey and I needed a minute to parse it out. 

I had begun to worship my church instead of going to church to worship God. I had developed a dependence on the emotional high of the Sunday service and it was interfering with my relationship with God.

I was having a hard time communicating with God because I still didn't know him all that well yet and I couldn't discern his voice from the noise of my own thought processes, the theatrics of the worship service and the conflicting opinions of my family and friends. 

My time alone with God started in 2019 prior to the COVID19 pandemic and extended to nearly the end of 2021. During this time I prioritized prayer, bible study and stillness. I spent LOTS of time talking to God and trying to be open to his answers. I also spent a lot of time in silence, just letting my thoughts untangle themselves. 

I started feeling a call to return to my church home in late summer 2021. Toward the end of October God opened up space in my life and the Holy Spirit has been stirring ever since.  

Grief brought me here, but this new story isn't about grief. I can't wait to find out what it IS about. 

OK. You're all caught up, now. 

Glossary of Churchy Terms 

The Spirit of God (AKA the Holy Spirit) = similar in effect to intuition or a gut feeling. 

Promptings of the Holy Spirit = a gut feeling/intuition that nudges one to act or not act. Promptings are crystal clear. You know what it is that needs to be done or what you need to stop doing. 

Communicating with God = Praying to god. Reading the bible, listening for the holy spirit to provide answers. Singing praise songs/ hymns, being open to hearing the voice of God speaking to you. 

The Voice of God = This is not typically meant literally. Its every way that God communicates with you - intuition, emotion, words from other humans, bible study, devotions, etc. 

Bible Study = this IS literal. Study the bible. Not just the words in the bible, but everything about the bible. Who were the authors, what is the intent behind the literary style of a particular book? What is the historical and personal context of the words in front of you. 

Stirring of the Holy Spirit = this is similar to the promptings but without the prompt. You know something is coming but you haven't figured it out yet.  Sometimes the point is to figure it out. Sometimes the point is to be patient until the purpose is revealed. 

Life is GOOD.

It's been awhile since I've written about my experiences as a widow. The memories and influences of my late husband Brian are no less prominent in my life, but I've processed the emotions of my loss and there's not as much need on my part to continue talking about it. 

That said, I think telling my story as it unfolds does have value to the widows coming up behind me and any of the readers out there who have lived through something that dropped the bottom out of their lives, left them in a dizzying free fall and obliterated every single one of their plans for the future. 

The truth is, my life as it is now is better than it has ever been and the depth of contentment I have as I experience it is way beyond anything I would have been capable of before Brian died.  I'm incredibly grateful for my current state of being and ALL of the life experiences that brought me here. 

That last paragraph is a monumentally big statement to make and I don't take it lightly. I've put lots and lots of thought into it. I've poured over the accuracy of those ideas and whether it disrespects Brian's memory to say it out loud. I've pondered how Brian would feel about those sentiments in their entirety. What would he think about his passing being a catalyst for so much personal development and success. 

So let's break it down a little. 

We'll start with the last sentence since that one is the hardest for me to both articulate and to accept as true.  

I'm not glad Brian died, but I'm grateful for the life experience of having been completely devastated and recovered. 

There's something liberating about losing everything you value to forces and events that are completely beyond your control. It is such a powerful lesson and I don't think you can learn it secondhand. You might know that life is fragile as an abstract concept, but I don't think you can internalize it without going through it. 

I'm definitely not glad Brian is gone, but I'm grateful to have the time alone and the opportunity to examine my life, my fears, my faith and my values. I was 18 when we got married, so this was the first chance I've had to get to know myself and establish my own identity outside of the context of my family or my marriage. 

And when I say my life is better than it's ever been or that I wouldn't have been capable of experiencing this depth of contentedness before Brian died, it's not because I feel that Brian held me back. 

Nearly everything good in my life started when I met him or was in one way or another a result of his influence. 

Our marriage was structured according to biblical principles. Brian was the head of the household and his main goal was my wellbeing and happiness. So while it's true that Brian was driving the bus and I was a passenger, he always took us in a direction that was in my best interest.  He did not limit or impede me in any way. 

I've reframed my internal conversation on these issue. Instead of feeling guilty for enjoying life now more than I ever did when Brian was alive, I like to think that he would be happy with the idea that the trajectory he left me on was a good one and that through my grief, I was able to propel myself to a place of complete contentedness, genuine hope and abounding joy. In fact I'd bet he would take full credit and be quite proud of himself for his accomplishments.