I'm in a bit of a holding pattern until the new house is complete. I'm really uncomfortable living in my tiny little temporary apartment with disposable furniture, loud neighbors, and cheap appliances. I feel a little removed from reality - like I'm in purgatory waiting to find out what the rest of eternity will be.
This apartment and the economic restrictions of my saving-for-the-new-house lifestyle have taken me back in time about 10 years. I'm a little surprised by the impact of my current environment on my mind and even my personality.
If you spend time around me you may have noticed that I've regressed back to relating EVERYTHING to Brian or our life together. I tell almost as many Brian stories now as I did when he first passed away, particularly stories from the early years of our marriage. Some other peculiarities include a strong desire to smoke when I'm on the balcony, increased use of vulgarity in casual conversations and I'm back to eating a majority of my meals at Taco Bell.
I find that I like thinking about Brian. I like keeping his memory at the front of my mind. Every step forward into my own life is a step away from our life together and selling the house was a pretty big one. What I'm coming to realize, however, is that it's not a step away from Brian. Brian is no further away than he's ever been or ever will be.
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| Driving To Las Vegas for my birthday in 2014. |
