That said, I think telling my story as it unfolds does have value to the widows coming up behind me and any of the readers out there who have lived through something that dropped the bottom out of their lives, left them in a dizzying free fall and obliterated every single one of their plans for the future.
The truth is, my life as it is now is better than it has ever been and the depth of contentment I have as I experience it is way beyond anything I would have been capable of before Brian died. I'm incredibly grateful for my current state of being and ALL of the life experiences that brought me here.
That last paragraph is a monumentally big statement to make and I don't take it lightly. I've put lots and lots of thought into it. I've poured over the accuracy of those ideas and whether it disrespects Brian's memory to say it out loud. I've pondered how Brian would feel about those sentiments in their entirety. What would he think about his passing being a catalyst for so much personal development and success.
So let's break it down a little.
We'll start with the last sentence since that one is the hardest for me to both articulate and to accept as true.
I'm not glad Brian died, but I'm grateful for the life experience of having been completely devastated and recovered.
There's something liberating about losing everything you value to forces and events that are completely beyond your control. It is such a powerful lesson and I don't think you can learn it secondhand. You might know that life is fragile as an abstract concept, but I don't think you can internalize it without going through it.
I'm definitely not glad Brian is gone, but I'm grateful to have the time alone and the opportunity to examine my life, my fears, my faith and my values. I was 18 when we got married, so this was the first chance I've had to get to know myself and establish my own identity outside of the context of my family or my marriage.
And when I say my life is better than it's ever been or that I wouldn't have been capable of experiencing this depth of contentedness before Brian died, it's not because I feel that Brian held me back.
Nearly everything good in my life started when I met him or was in one way or another a result of his influence.
Our marriage was structured according to biblical principles. Brian was the head of the household and his main goal was my wellbeing and happiness. So while it's true that Brian was driving the bus and I was a passenger, he always took us in a direction that was in my best interest. He did not limit or impede me in any way.
I've reframed my internal conversation on these issue. Instead of feeling guilty for enjoying life now more than I ever did when Brian was alive, I like to think that he would be happy with the idea that the trajectory he left me on was a good one and that through my grief, I was able to propel myself to a place of complete contentedness, genuine hope and abounding joy. In fact I'd bet he would take full credit and be quite proud of himself for his accomplishments.
