A Recorded Stream Of Consciousness From Jan. 20

This is a rough transcript of an audio recording I made while driving to work January 20th. My brain decided it was time to process some things and I couldn't get away from it. I felt as though these types of thoughts and emotions need to be published for the benefit of other grieving widows. So I pulled out the voice recorder on my phone to capture them in the moment.  When you are reading this, or listening to the audio, please keep in mind that this wasn't recorded with the intent of publication. I expected to get some thoughts down and then write something later. The reason I'm publishing it this way is because any attempt to edit this will ruin it. This is as close to the raw emotions as it gets for me and I don't want to dilute it with the thoughtfulness that would go into the editing process. 

The audio is admittedly terrible, but quite a bit is lost if you only read it and don't listen.

This is important because it might help somebody. I'm about seven months away from my husband's death.

...seven and a half.

I'm right on the intersection of looking back and looking ahead and wanting to live in the past and wanting to move forward. And being able to have memories, being able to remember without such a sense of loss, without such a sense of wanting to go backwards.

No. Not wanting to go backwards. That's not right. I never wanted to go backwards. I think what I mean to say is not wanting backwards to be forward. Trying to...

Taking comfort in things that don't exist anymore. Symbols of things that don't exist anymore. Taking comfort in my wedding ring, or Brian's wedding ring. It's just a ring. It's metal in a circle.

But you take comfort in it and you think about... you don't think about anything. It's just a way to cling to what you've lost.

It's helpful at first because it's comforting that it's not so far away. That you can still recall feelings and you can still recall a sense of whatever it was.. I don't..you can still recall it. You can still recall everything  that was tied to that object. So, it's comforting and that's helpful.

But at some point you're anchored to it and you can't move forward if  you're anchored. When you're anchored you can only get so far away from that thing that is tying you to the bottom of the lake.

So...what I've done is removed the anchor. I took my rings and put them aside. They still are there. My rings are with brian's rings and they are tucked away like a talisman in a drawer and if I need them I can get them out. I could get each individual ring or I could get the box.. it's all just a symbol so it doesn't matter. Those things are not... they're just metal. Brian's not in them, our marriage isn't in them. But you look at them or you touch them and you can recall what they symbolize.

But what I really think that i'd like to talk about is the random fear. The fear that I'll never be...happy. Or that no one could love me or that Brian was the one person in the whole world who understood me. Brian was the one person in the world who got where I was coming from. I didn't have to...but not always. That's not even really true. Brian didn't even know that I wanted kids. He knew ... well he said he didn't know. He said he didn't know how important it was. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn't. Nonetheless...

Brian knew all...everything..it's not dating, you know? Like dating you have to pretend. In marriage you make sacrifice, you have to do things you don't want to do, you have to consider the other person, but in dating... there's risk. Like you can make sacrifices in a marriage and it doesn't feel like a risk. Like.. I'm going to not go to school right now because it's not what's best for the marriage even though it might be what I want or what's I feel is best for me. I'ts not what's best for the marriage so I don't go to school. I make that sacrifice and it's not a risk. There's no risk that I'm going to do this thing for the benefit of the relationship and then the other person is taking advantage. Your spouse does what's best for the relationship too...and they make those sacrifices.  What the fuck am I talking about?

There's a lot of sacrifice in relationships. I'm not afraid of that. What I'm afraid of is .....when someone gets to know me, they won't like me anymore.

I'm a lot cooler on the surface than I am deep down and it happens a lot. So I  fear that...I always felt like I was really lucky to find Brian at such a young age and to not have to deal with all of the crap that people go through in their 20s. And growing up through my 20s and in my 30s I had that confidence that it didn't matter what other people thought because, no matter what, I had B rian. If I didn't have any friends, I didn't need any friends. And I don't like...people. I don't want to have friends.

Those mid-level relationships are just work. I want to have someone who can just come to my house, sit down and watch TV and I don't have to talk to them. Or... whatever. I don't want to have to be...witty. I don't want to have to pretend to laugh at jokes that are stupid.

I don't want to feel like I have to wax my eyebrows and wax my... Brian used to call it a 'stash wax. I don't want to wax my eyebrows. I don't want to shave my legs above the knee. I don't want to wear make up. I don't want to go out to bars or clubs or dancing. I don't want to go dancing.

I like to go...I like to do things that I'm never going to meet anybody doing it. I like to sit at home and play video games or watch tv or go hiking with the dogs.

I do like to go to church. I like my Wednesday group, but everybody in my Wednesday group is married...with kids. Not just married... like.. married is ok. But they all have kids! I can't be friends with people who have kids.

...I mean...I can be friends with people who have kids. That's not true. And actually, I should get over that because I'm never going to have children in my life if I don't have friends that have kids.

That foster care thing is still in the back of my mind. But I'm waiting. This is my time to wait.

Like it or not, it's my time to wait.

It might come up again, but maybe not. Maybe I'll meet somebody and they'll have kids and then we'll have grandkids. Then I can have babies and I don't have to be a parent....that would be alright.
 
Or maybe I'll have friends who have kids and I'll get to be involved in their lives in some way that's meaningful. I don't know. I just feel like that's weird.

I don't necessarily want a boyfriend or a husband or a man in particular, but I don't want to be second. or... I don't mind being second if there's someone for whom I'm first. I want to be the first person that they think of i want to be the person that...

Maybe that's Katie, but I think that she is eventually going to find somebody else. She's still in her 30s, you know. It's different. She's young. She's still thin. She's very pretty.

I don't know. I don't even know why I worry about this, but I do. I think...maybe..I don't know. I don't want...

This is where I'm at. So you can tell, It's just confusion.

A Tale of Two Pillows...and a t-shirt quilt

Right after we found out Brian was sick, but before we knew how serious the situation was, I bought a sewing machine that was on sale in the Amazon gold box. He was convinced I would never ever use it, so when it arrived I went to the fabric store and got some cheap fabric to play with and learn the basics of the machine.

The first thing I made was a small orange pillow that I gave to Brian. It was a silly little thing, but I thought it might be nice to have during treatments and such.

After I gave it to him, I decided it was too small and didn't have enough stuffing to be of any real use, so I made him a larger green pillow out of a fabric that was probably intended to look like the outside of a watermelon.

I also made a pair of PJ pants for Brian to wear, but they didn't fit very well and weren't comfortable. Also, one leg was longer than the other.

As we packed for our first day of chemo, I decided the little orange pillow would have to do. We had too much to carry already and the green one was too bulky (in addition to my laptop, we had toys, games and coloring books from friends to help us pass the time).

As it turns out, Brian really liked the little orange one and kept it with him at home, at the doctor's and eventually in the hospital. I ended up using the green one during overnights at the hospital.

When we found out the chemo wasn't working, I was devastated. Brian has never been terribly emotional and if he wasn't crying for himself, I didn't want to cry in front of him. He was the one who was dying, after all. I would wait for him to sleep then cover my face with the green pillow so he wouldn't hear me.

After Brian passed, in preparation for his memorial, I was showing the pastor (who didn't know either of us at all) some videos so that he would have an idea of what Brian was about. An observation was made about all of Brian's funny t-shirts and it kind of stuck with me that they really were a part of his personality.

I started taking comfort in wearing Brian's t-shirts and when I heard about getting t-shirt quilts made I thought it was a great way to wrap myself in memories and to be comforted by them. After looking up prices to have one made, I decided it might be fun to find instructions on YouTube and just make it myself.

Keep in mind that in total, in my life, I've used a sewing machine to make 2 ridiculously ugly pillows and a lopsided pair of PJ's.

I've had Brian's t-shirts stacked up and ready to go for 6 months, but couldn't bring myself to cut them. When my parents arrived for the holidays, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get this project completed, but I still had a hard time with it. I don't know if the mental block was about cutting up his shirts or just typical procrastination. After three full weeks of vacation, I finally got motivated and got the entire thing done in one day.

Brian didn't think the sewing machine was worth buying because I would never make anything of value, so I'm sure he'd be glad to know my three most prized possessions were all made using that machine (as well as a lopsided pair of pj's). If I never make anything else ever, it will have been well worth the cost.

T-shirt quilt made using several of Brian's favorite t-shirts.

2016 New Year's Resolutions

I'm giving myself the entire year to accomplish the following:

1. Finish the T-Shirt Quilt
2. Get rid of the excess electronics, wires, connectors, routers, tools and other items stored around the house that I can not identify or figure out how to use.
3. Figure out what to plant behind the pool and plant it.
4. Replace the desert willows with low-litter, preferably salt-tolerant trees.
5. Sew something useful with my sewing machine other than the t-shirt quilt.
6. Find nearby dog-friendly recreation spots
7. Go to the doctor at least once.
8. Play all of the games and read all of the books I purchased in 2015.

It should be noted that I organized and cleaned the garage today, thus removing that item from the list and I put the Christmas decorations away which would have also been on this list.

I'm banning myself from the following activities for at least another 6 months and probably the entire year:

1. Calorie counting
2. Taking college classes for something other than entertainment/personal interest.
3. Relocating
4. Job seeking
5. Dating

New Year's Eve 1999-2000 in Paris, France.

One of the most enjoyable adventures we ever had.