The Man Of My Dreams

I've been thinking about getting a TV projector to use in the back yard and I'm not really sure if the ones in my budget are good enough for use outdoors. I've been researching them for several days and I've figured out some of the key features that I'll need, but I'm still not feeling confident enough to actually make the purchase.

So last night in my dream Brian and I were in Best Buy and I was looking at the projectors they had to offer and thinking about how much I wanted to spend and doing all the fretting that I typically do when purchasing a product that I don't know enough about. Then I turned to Brian and said, "Why am I doing this? You pick one."

I've only recently started having dreams about Brian in which I don't question his presence. They just feel normal - like before. The first one I had, I remember hugging him and telling him "I can feel you, but I know you aren't here, because I cremated you. How can I feel you?" and answering myself with "who cares." I'm not sure what we did together for the rest of the dream, but it was just normal everyday stuff.

I have no idea if this is a part of grief and something that everyone goes through, but until that dream where I acknowledged that I didn't care about the logistics of his presence, any dream he was in seemed supernatural. Like he was a ghost and just there for a visit. These recent dreams feel more like nothing happened. He's just there, like he should be, and we just do normal stuff like shop for electronics at Best Buy.

What's even more interesting is that I don't mind when I wake up and it's over. With the supernatural dreams, I would be very upset to wake up and find that I wasn't in the dream anymore. With the new ones, when I wake up, I feel appreciative. It's like the dreams are a gift. Like I've been given a few more minutes of the life I had before Brian got sick and I'm grateful to remember what that feels like.