I made plans today to hook up with a guy from Tinder just to see what it would feel like. I ended up canceling, but the whole scenario has created something of an identity crisis.
I've been doing really well lately, but every step forward in my new life is a step away from my past life. The further I get from feelings of grief and the pain of losing my husband, the closer I get to the emptiness of being alone. I feel more like a single person and less like a widow and that comes with its own set of grief and pain.
In an attempt to deal with the loneliness, I've been swiping through Tinder and lurking around on Plenty of Fish and considering the idea of dating again.
At first, I was kind of relieved to find that I had no interest in any of the men on these sites. It was an ego boost to swipe left and declare the guy with sleeve tattoos and a Patriots t-shirt inadequate. I felt like I was in control...until I got to the end of the list.
I had rejected everyone within 20 miles of me in just a few hours.
That seemed a little depressing, so I expanded my search criteria and tried again. This time, I tried to be less picky and after a few right swipes, sure enough, someone messaged me.
We talked for a bit and then decided to meet for lunch. He was cute enough, not terribly bright but not intolerably dumb and he seemed polite.
I'm sure he was perfectly nice, but I'll never know because the thought of meeting a man for lunch gave me a panic attack such that I thought I was dying. My chest was tight and I had intense pain radiating up into my jaw.
(We should pause for a minute and observe the fact that I thought I was dying of a heart attack and made no effort to get any type of medical attention. I like to think I'm doing really well with all of this, but I'm not sure it's a healthy mindset to be completely passive about one's own survival.)
I had to cancel the date which caused a shift in the entire scenario. It went from being something I was in control of to something that sent me spiraling out of control and I was not ok with that.
I can do everything I've done, but I am too afraid to go on a first date? Unacceptable.
So after a day or two, I was back to swiping and this time I was determined to actually go on a date. I made contact with a guy and went out to meet him right in that very moment. I figured if I had no time to think about it, I wouldn't have time to panic about it and I was right.
For anyone who cares, this date did NOT count. There was absolutely no attraction, but I had proven I wasn't too weak or fragile to date and the whole experience was fairly harmless.
Except it wasn't.
It wasn't harmless because it shined a light on a door that I'm so unwilling to walk through, I would rather try to solve the problem by arranging a one night stand.
This particular door includes the potential for rejection - an emotion I'm certain I'm not yet ready to face. It could also mean adding children, ex-wives and who knows what other baggage to my life. It
also raises questions about sexual morality and social norms that I honestly just don't want to deal with.
In my experience, biblical standards for sexual morality are not realistic in today's world, even amongst Christians. Attempting to follow the rules creates confusion and leads to exceptionally poor decision making based on the desire for a biblically sound physical relationship. I stuck to those standards in high school and I am completely convinced that it was a harmful decision.
Going through this door means I have to examine all of those things and figure out where I stand on the morality issues, what I want from a relationship, who I want to be as a partner and how I want to see myself as a woman.
Maybe I can just ignore it and hope it goes away. That's always an effective strategy, right?!
Brian and Tess in Williams, AZ
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