Uncharted Territory

2017 was a year of seconds. I changed jobs for the second time in six months (this was also the second time in my life that I've been blessed enough to land my dream job).  I got baptised for the 2nd time in my life.  I ended a romantic relationship for the 2nd time in my life. I sold a home for the second time.  It's the second time I've been through the construction of a brand new home. I did nothing I haven't done before, but it still managed to feel like uncharted territory.

A good friend of mine told me once that the hardest thing to do is to break your own heart, even when you know that it's the right thing to do. Selling the home Brian and I shared broke my heart into tiny pieces. I had gotten pretty comfortable living with him in the past. Moving out was one of the hardest processes I've gone through since his death, but I know it was the right thing to do.

I know because as 2017 came to a close yesterday, I found myself feeling only mildly reflective. I wasn't looking back. I wasn't mourning another year lost to grief. I was genuinely looking forward to what is coming -- and not just the stuff I know is coming (like the new house, financial stability and a much-needed trip back east) -- I'm excited about the possibilities.

Moving out of our house was like cutting the rope that tethered me to the weight of my loss. I know I will still experience grief, but Brian's memory is not a heavy burden. I can easily carry it with me - even into uncharted territory. 

Max kept unplugging the Christmas tree. Brian was trying to reason with him.