Nonsense With Cheese: The Hairball And The Open Door

I processed through some things last week that I didn't write about. I considered sharing, because I want to be honest about what I'm going through, but in the end, I decided that some things just aren't for public consumption.

I think those things from last week had been in the way, like hair and goop clogging the shower drain. Everything I've washed down got tangled up in the hairball. Snaking it out may mean that things will flow more smoothly in the future, but for the moment I have a giant slimy ball of hair and goop that needs to be cleaned up and disposed of.

I'm supposed to just know when it's time to move on, but that's a bit of bullshit.

I can't trust myself or my instincts at all. I stumble on the clutter of my emotions on a nearly daily basis. I don't "just know" anything at all.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a room with an open door. The room is dark and lonely, but it's familiar and all my stuff is here. I'm not afraid of the shadows, I don't trip on the furniture, and if I need to rest I know where to find a chair. Everything I've ever known and loved is on this side of the door.

The rest of my life is on the other.

If I cross the threshold, I'm afraid the door will close behind me. I fear that I won't be able to get back to the safety and comfort of my dark, lonely room. But what if it closes before I walk through it? What if I get stuck here in the dark forever?

I know I can't rush this process, but I'm super duper tired of it. I want to see what's on the other side of the door. Unfortunately, every time I go near it, I fall down.

In fact, every single time I think I'm getting it together, I fall apart again. Sometimes it feels as if I'm back at day one. It seems like I spend nearly all of my time flat on my face or struggling to stand up again. From time to time, I think the door has already closed (or that I only imagined it's existence in the first place).

Maybe this IS my new normal and I need to find a way to be content with it. Maybe I need to suck it up and drive on, or maybe I need to find even an ounce of patience and just wait it out a little longer.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this?