The Process of Processing

Note: This is not intended to be a how-to for the bereaved. It is just an observation of a pattern that has emerged in my own grief process. 

One of the things I really struggle with is the nature of grief. There are a lot of next steps and the only way to get through them is one at a time. When I try to skip ahead or to artificially accelerate the process I end up falling backwards. 

For me, it takes about a week or so to get through each new thing. Sometimes I get stuck and it takes longer, but there hasn't been anything yet that has worked its way through my mind in less than a week. Here's how it typically progresses:

Raw Emotion

It starts with the chaos of unidentified raw emotion. It is no more or less common for it to look like sadness than elation, giddiness, anger, contempt, shame, joy, fear, dread, nostalgia, doubt, hope, anticipation or anxiety. 

Contemplation

I define the emotion and form an idea about where it is coming from primarily through intellectual contemplation. 

 

Articulation

Once I have an idea of what I'm dealing with and have the words to describe it, I find ways to try to articulate my thoughts. 

A lot of the time, my first attempt at articulation is to wander around my house like a lunatic talking out loud (in conversational English) to God as I pick up shoes, sort laundry and put dishes in the dishwasher. It's not pretty or poetic, but it almost always results in a revelation or two. 

At some point, I'll bring the topic up with family, friends and counselors. If you are one of these people, you should know that I'm not always looking for advice.

In fact, if I'm honest, I'm almost never looking for advice. I am just throwing ideas at you to see which way they bounce. It helps me formulate intelligent questions and identify specific problems that need to be addressed. 

Inquiry

Once I know what the question is, it's really just a matter of finding an answer I can accept as truth. I pray, I Google, I go to a Griefshare, I consult the Bible, I consult the internet, I read devotionals, I watch TV and on occasion, if I have expired all other options, I ask my mom. 

Deliberation

There is an extra step that I have to go through because of my belligerent refusal to just accept things as they are. Deliberation is not an entirely accurate word for what happens, but it's close enough. It's a consideration of the things I know intellectually, the things I accept through faith and how they might apply to my current situation. For whatever reason, I continue to find it necessary to test the conclusions of my faith against the rationale of my intelligence and vice versa. 

Declaration

Telling someone what I've come up with seems to help finalize the solution in my mind. I equate this step to folding the laundry and putting it away. Sharing my conclusions requires me to organize my thoughts so that they can be explained to others. It helps me to further refine my own understanding and to commit to the truth of the answers I have found. 

Dec. 14, 2013 - Eastmark Christmas Party