Earlier this week, I switched out my wedding rings for a special ring Brian gave me on our 5th anniversary. He bought it at the mall in Columbia, South Carolina right after graduating basic training. Taking off my wedding ring is a significant symbolic gesture for me. It acknowledges the end of my marriage when Brian died and recognizes my freedom to continue living life on my own. Wearing the anniversary ring is also symbolic. It honors the relationship that defined our lives for 21 years and signifies that I'm still mourning the loss of my husband.
I know that I'm at the threshold of stepping out as an individual and taking ownership of whatever the rest of my story will be, but I still feel like half of a whole most of the time. I vacillate between holding on and letting go and neither option feels entirely right.
Grief is a bit like a time warp sometimes. The things that we were looking forward to before Brian got sick have come and gone without him as if nothing happened. Our pool project completed, I had my 40th birthday, Thanksgiving is over, Star Wars released episode 7, and now Christmas is here. The world keeps turning and life goes on no matter how much I want it to stop and wait for me to catch up. The New Year is on its way and I have no idea what to do with it.
I can't see my future at all. I can't even imagine it. It's coming whether I'm ready or not, but I just can't fathom what it will look like. How long will I be alone? Do I even mind being alone? Is this house going to be my home for the next 20 or 30 years or will I sell it to get something more practical? Is Arizona really where I want to be? What might my career look like now that I have to consider how much money I make? How should I spend my vacations? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
I honestly have no clue.
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He wasn't really peeing. This is where the master
toilet would eventually be and he was just pretending.
I don't remember for sure if he even knew
I was taking a photo.
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