Last Christmas

Last Christmas was our first Christmas in our new house. We spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning with our new neighbors. I made cookies and delivered them to all the houses around me. We decorated the outside of our home for the first time ever. We didn't decorate the inside because - well - we didn't feel like it. 

Brian gave me an R2D2 trash can and I don't even remember what I got for him. We got a Twinkie maker from Allison and Rob that was pretty fantastic and he got Allison a Pocket Hose which was a much bigger deal than one might think. 

We were quite happy with ourselves. Everything made sense and life was good.We didn't have a lot of holiday traditions, but we were going to. We had finally gotten where we were going. It was time to settle in, get comfortable and become who we wanted to be. 

Last year was forever ago. Nothing looks the same. I try not to assume change is bad, but the changes I've been through and continue to go through are hard. I've experienced a loss that was simply unimaginable 365 days ago. We had no way of knowing what was coming. 

The holidays, for good or bad, are a timestamp. There is a tendency to take inventory of the events of the past year and to reflect on the overarching progress of one's life. As the new year approaches, I think it's natural to consider how far you've come and to make plans for the future. 

I've grown a lot this year. I've discovered a depth of faith that I didn't think I was capable of. I have a new perspective and a sense of contentment that I've never known before. My relationships are more genuine now and I feel a greater sense of freedom to be myself. 

These are not lessons I couldn't have learned while Brian was alive, but I wouldn't have. I was happy and fulfilled. I had someone to love and someone who loved me. I had no reason to search for answers or to seek transformation. The devastation of losing him was a paradigm shift. The framework of my life was unstable and I had no choice but to examine the foundation on which everything was built. 

I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to give back what I've gained to retrieve what I've lost, but I still miss him. I miss all of it.  I miss his face and all the silly things he did. I miss how excited he would get when he thought he had gotten me the perfect gift and how hard it was to wait for Christmas to give it to me. I miss how proud he was of his present wrapping skills. I miss his enthusiasm for baked ham and orange potatoes and for playing with his new toys. 

Last Christmas, we had no idea that it was our last Christmas. I miss that too.