I'm a little lost

I haven't posted anything in awhile. I don't know anymore what is grief and what is just my own bad attitude.

I believed that the magazine was my calling and that everything would just fall into place because I was doing what God wanted me to do. I had the narrative all worked out in my head. This would be the big reveal for me. This would be the moment that God would make his presence and providence known in my life. But that's not what happened.

I enjoy producing the magazine and will continue to do it as a hobby, but it is a financial failure and a huge disappointment. I can see value in having gone through this, but as a logical person with the capability of analyzing and learning from my experiences, I find my faith yet again called into question.

Is it me? Am I unable to recognize God's voice? Am I doing something wrong in my pursuit of his will? Am I just talking to myself as a way to justify acting out my own will?

I want to rely on God to pull me through, but I can't seem to stand firmly in my beliefs. I want to act in faith, but I feel like I'm in a nosedive and trusting my imaginary friend to pull up on the yoke before we hit the ground.

 I feel like I'm being stupid.

I burned bridges and wasted resources because I thought I was doing God's will and then I wasted some more because I thought God was teaching me patience. I'm just about out of resources and the only thing I've learned is that I don't have a clue about God's will.

In other news: I met a man who has become a pretty significant part of my life. There's a lot of conflicting emotion that comes with this and I have been a bit of a basket case because of it. He's a Patriots fan, but I'm willing to overlook it because he listens to my stories about Brian and allows me to have my moments of grief without taking it personally. I'm not sure I'll ever be willing to change my relationship status on Facebook, but if you are interested, there are a few photos posted of the two of us together and I'm sure there will be more to come.

We've been dating about three months, so when I mention that he is now my roommate, take it with a grain of salt. We are living together because I needed a roommate and I trust him. His previous housing situation was less than ideal, so it seemed like a good solution for both of us. Our living arrangement is not a precursor to marriage or anything like that, but I do expect him to be around for awhile.

So I am changing and evolving and I'm starting to experience life outside of the context of Brian's death. Sometimes it feels like getting back to normal and sometimes it feels like a complete abandonment of my previous life.

I don't fully know where I am right now and I definitely don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm not there yet.

I am hoping 2017 brings with it some permanence. A secure job, a stable relationship and a depth of faith that isn't so easily shaken. I miss Brian and I miss my past life, but I remain hopeful for the future.

Brian in his hamburger shirt. It takes quite a bit of confidence to
pull off this shirt, but he rocked it. :)