Three years ago today, after having moved 10 times in 20 years, my husband, Brian and I moved into our dream home. We had finally gotten where we were going and it was time to settle into the rest of our life together. We'd been flying by the seat of our pants for 20 years, but now we had a plan. We knew what the future held for us and what we were going to do with the next 30 years of our lives.
Yeah.
Not so much.
As most readers will know, Brian was diagnosed with bile duct cancer a little over a year after we moved in and he died in June of 2015 (a week before our 21st anniversary and a month before my 40th birthday). I was a widow at 39.
I cashed in everything Brian left me and sold my car to pay down the mortgage. I refinanced into a more manageable payment and cut my budget down to only necessities, but no matter how I did the math, my job at the time paid just didn't pay what I needed. It was close, but if I wanted to keep my home something would have to change. There was nothing I wanted more than to keep my home.
So things changed and then they changed some more. I've been in a dizzying series of transitions for going on two years now with the lasts 6 months being quite dramatic (I like to joke that if my life were a movie, the last six months would be a montage.)
It's not a bad thing. I've learned and grown more in the past 18 months than I can possibly put into words. I have experienced the power and presence of God in my life in a very real way and have developed a depth of faith that I wouldn't have thought myself capable of. I've come face to face with some very uncomfortable vulnerabilities, but I've also discovered surprising strength and tenacity.
I now know what I am made of. I'm kind of a badass when I need to be, but I'm fully ready to settle in and be average for a bit.
This past month I started what I hope will be my last career transition for awhile when I accepted a position as the marketing associate for Bay Equity Home Loans Gilbert. It seems to be a perfect fit, I love the work I'm doing and I have the financial stability to stop worrying about losing my house.
I have also been involved in a romantic relationship that got started this past October. It's not always easy to balance my past with my present and my future, but this man is patient with me and my emotions. He listens and does what he can to help me feel stable and secure. It's strange for me to discuss this relationship in this context because I feel like there is conflict between my identity as a widow and my identity as his girlfriend, but I'm starting to get over it.
So the house is good, my job is good, my faith is good, and my relationship is good. Everything is good. It's almost bizarre. I think this might be the "new normal" so many grief counselors like to talk and write about. Let's hope so.
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| Brian in front of what would eventually be the bay window in our bedroom |
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