Leftovers

If you know me in person or if you've been following what I've been writing about my personal experience with grief, you know that for the most part, I've processed what I needed to process. I've established my new normal and I'm a fully functional human being again. Even so, there seems to be some leftover issues that can get in the way from time to time (like the containers of mom's turkey soup that have been in the back of my freezer since Thanksgiving).

One of the things I still struggle with is paranoia. It's similar to the hyper-awareness associated with PTSD. I've lived through a one-in-a-million worst case scenario. The kind of cancer that killed Brian is incredibly rare - even more so for a healthy man in his early 40s with no specific risk factors. After going through something like that, there is no fear that seems entirely irrational. If I can think of it, it can happen to me. If it has happened to someone else, it can happen to me.

I've learned to accept risk so that I'm not paralyzed by fear, but I don't trust easily. I am constantly on the lookout - for schemers and scammers, for physical danger, for illness (human or canine) and for my own vulnerabilities. I like being aware of how precious each moment is and I think it's good not to take things for granted, but sometimes I wish I could get my false sense of security back.

This was taken at a new resident orientation
the same day we got our keys.