For those who don't share my faith, when I say God spoke to me, I don't mean that I heard the voice of God speaking to me in English. Some people might interpret the experience as the universe bringing them to a decision, others might say they followed their gut and others might say their sub-conscious observations led them to a conclusion. If you are put off by my faith and how I choose to interpret my experiences you probably aren't going to like this story anyway.
Ok so...
God and I have been talking a lot lately about my current state of well-being. I have asked him for help with my physical health (including my apparent inability to control my weight), as well as my emotions, anxiety, and grief. He has been impressing upon me the importance of healthy relationships and the impact of unhealthy ones. He's also been rolling his eyes at me for not letting go of the issues I'd given to him months ago.
It recently became necessary to completely sever one of my most important relationships and (although it was ultimately the right decision) the end of that friendship creates a bit of a vacuum in certain areas of my life.
I don't like having a ton of people around and I hate having plans (although I love spur of the moment activities). I really enjoy solitude, so it's a paradox that I struggle so much with isolation and the feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression that come with it.
I knew that cutting ties with my most reliably available friend was going to amplify this struggle and I have been working on finding something to fill the gap.
It seems odd to say that God told me to join Mountainside Fitness, but it's certainly not an idea that I would have come up with or pursued on my own. I have been thinking about it for a few days and have received a few pretty solid confirmations.
I was hem-hawing about it today and trying to talk myself out of it. My primary concerns being my current lack of disposable income and my chronic lack of balance or agility. Finally, it just clicked and the decision was made.
I had to go pick up my car from the service center and I stopped by the gym to sign up on my way home. I spoke with a woman who showed me around and she asked me what I was looking for from my Mountainside membership and what I hoped to get out of it.
I don't know why, but I told her the truth. I told her my attempts to date had gone poorly and I was just looking for a mildly social environment where I could come when I didn't know what else to do with myself.
We ended up talking about my housing situation and the transitions I've been through. We talked about the desire to move on and become my own independent person and how involuntary inner strength can sometimes be.
We talked about exercise machines and yoga classes and membership dues.
We talked about her relationship with God and her own fears and doubts. We talked about how hard it can be to clearly hear God's voice and to act with confidence on his instruction.
I wasn't trying to witness to her, but I could see that she was internalizing my story. She told me a bit about her situation and it became clear that my experiences were very relevant to her current circumstances.
I don't remember what it is that I said, but her response was, "That's exactly what I needed to hear right now."
I have been in conversations like this a million times over the past 2+ years, but it's completely bizarre to be on this side of it.
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| Being silly with Brian. I think this was from the very first First Friday Concert in Eastmark. |
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