I'm Pretty Sure This Is Just How it Goes

My grief is what's left of everything I've ever felt for Brian and I never want to stop feeling it.

I don't know where that statement lies on a scale of healthy processing to bat-shit insane, but it is the honest truth.

I'm not sure if the sadness I feel is just a part of grieving or if it is a treatable chemical imbalance in my brain. I don't want to leave a medical condition untreated, but I don't want to medicate away my genuine life experiences.

I don't value happiness above all else. I want to experience everything including feelings of sadness, anger, loss, and loneliness. Happiness is just one of many emotions and there is value in all of them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to being sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm reluctant to recover. Am I depressed or is this still a healthy grief experience? Am I still processing? Am I still making progress? Am I stuck? Am I functioning? Is this normal?

I don't think my current state of mind is dangerous, but it's not good and pretending to be ok sucks almost as bad as not being ok.  I'm not ok. I'm very, very sad. I'm not strong. I only look strong because I have no other choice.