Let The Good Times Roll

Like a Phoenix rising up from the ashes... or something.

I'm very aware that the rest of my life has started and I'm empowered by it.

The optimism I'm feeling about the present and the future is completely foreign to me, but I like it. 

Until now, life mostly happened TO me. I would get halfway through a chapter before looking back to see the point at which things changed. 

This time is different. This time there's intent. 

My options were to be still and reflect on what has been or move forward and find out what will be. 

I chose to turn the page. 

I felt God was leading me and I made the hard decision to obey. I pushed through an exceptionally painful transition and when I felt I couldn't take it, I relied on Him in a way I'm surprised I'm even capable of. 

Obedience and reliance are uncomfortable words for me. It's taken me some effort to get over the idea that it is in some way invalidating or disenfranchising to acknowledge the role of God's providence in my successes. 

I'm proud of myself and my accomplishments. God gave me free will and agency to make my own decisions. Seeking God's voice with intent and following his instruction with purpose has consistently been the right decision for me to make. 

It's odd to say, but I honestly believe my life has never been better than it is right now. 

I have great friends and an amazing community. I love my job, I'm financially stable, I have everything I need and I'm content in a way I can't remember having ever been in the past. 

Grief is still a constant and it is odd for me to say that things are better than they've ever been. It's a challenge to allow myself to progress past where I was when Brian was alive, but it's a disservice to him to hold myself back in his memory. 

If he had lived we could and probably would be this happy together, but he didn't live. I lived and I'm still living and it's time for my epic 4th quarter comeback! 

Our honeymoon at King's Island in Cincinnati, Ohio.
June 19, 1994