So it's June and June sucks. My life circumstances and the events of the day don't always coincide with the emotions I experience in June. Widow brain is back for good or bad and everything gets much more intense. I wanted that to be what this post is about, but it's just too negative.
June sucks, but my life doesn't suck. In fact, my life is so good that I am regularly overwhelmed by how good it is.
I was born in July of 1975 and from that day until now, I have never been better than I am right now. That includes the 17 years of my Rockwellian midwest childhood, 21 years of marriage to my best friend and soul mate, 3 years living abroad and the nearly perfect final year spent together in our dream home before he got sick.
I know I would not be capable of this level of joy without going through what I've been through. The experience was a catalyst to all manner of emotional and spiritual growth.
Brian's illness and death shattered my illusion of control. That may sound like a bad thing, but it forced me to examine my faith which resulted in a deeper understanding of and a more genuine relationship with both God and Jesus. Grieving Brian's death taught me to let go of the bitterness and disappointment I felt over what should have been.
I still carry the sadness of loss like a wallet in my back pocket. Most of the time it's barely noticeable. Other times (particularly in June) it's a giant pain in my ass.
It's surprisingly conflicting to be doing so well. My biggest struggle since Brian died is to acknowledge that the end of Brian's story happened in the middle of my own and that my time with him was only a chapter in the ongoing story of my life.
I won't lie. Typing that made me cry. A lot.
He's been gone three years this month and I'm still very reluctant to imagine my life and my identity defined by the context of something other than my relationship with Brian.
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