I wish I could learn to be still

I am incapable of just being still.

Things I do instead:

• Worry
• Tinker
• Toil
• Think. Think. Think.
• Plan. Plan. Plan.
• Analyze
• Strategize
• Organize
• Assess
• Review
• Audit
• Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

None of this thinking and planning and worrying and tinkering puts me in control of anything. It doesn't make me happy or fulfilled in any way. It's just something to do. 

I couldn't be still, even when Brian was in his last hours. Even then I was strategizing and organizing and planning. I didn't lay down beside him like I should have. Instead I was worrying about the medicine and adjusting his bed and fixing his blankets. I was doing for him instead of being with him.