So Many Taboos

Brian was the one who...

Knew me completely

Loved me unconditionally

Took the dogs out at 5:30 a.m. so I could sleep in

Carried in the heavy stuff from the car (soda, dog food, etc.)

Randomly bought stuff from my Amazon wishlist

Remembered which garbage to take out on what day

Set up all the electronics

Grilled steaks to perfection

Made popcorn like the theater

Got me a soda from the fridge while he was up. 

Sent me silly emoticons when he went to the bathroom 

Paid my way when I went back to school 

Picked up the dog poop in the back yard

I was married to Brian for close to five years before I farted in front of him. It just happened, and it's a hysterical story that I'll tell another time. The important thing to know is that it was the last time in our relationship that I was embarrassed to be myself in front of him. 

Intimacy can mean a lot of things is my point. Intimacy in marriage is unique, because it goes beyond physical touch and emotional closeness. It's the fire that forges a single entity out of two individuals. It's the fabric of the daily routine, embedded in the give and take of the relationship. It's knowing someone completely - for good and bad in sickness and in health - and recognizing their strength in your own weakness. 

It seems like each week my brain lets in something new for me to deal with and put away.  This week is intense loneliness. I hadn't noticed until recently that I really miss the intimacy of my marriage. I'm not just talking about sex, although that's obviously a part of it. I miss hugs and cuddling and sitting together watching TV with the dogs. I miss having someone else to consider. I miss having a partner and a playmate. I really miss having a best friend who understands me without any effort on my part to be understood. 

I miss this stuff right now. It hurts me in this moment not to have it and there is no relief by looking forward or backward.  I suspect it will be a very long time before I'm able to consider another romantic relationship. Even then, I would have to start from the beginning and...seriously...Fuck That.  

(Sorry for the language but it took 21 years to build the relationship I had with Brian and those are the right words to accurately communicate how I feel about the idea of starting over.)

This might be the thing that I get stuck on for awhile. I honestly believe that sex outside of marriage is a generally destructive behavior, but in my experience (which admittedly does not extend past my senior year of high school) not having sex outside of marriage can also cause quite a bit of turmoil. 

Brian's the only partner I've ever had, but that's only because our relationship worked out. We weren't married. In fact we had only been dating a few months the first time. All my previous romantic endeavors were defined by the drive toward and resistance to sexual interaction and I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. 

So how does that translate? I don't know. I imagine that finding a physical relationship wouldn't be terribly difficult and it might provide some temporary comfort, but it would fall so far short of the thing that I am missing that I doubt it would be worth the effort and risk.

Brian and Tess hiking near Williams, Arizona.