I suppose it's a matter of timing, but it's also a matter of both grace and necessity that there are so many new people in my life. We moved to our new community and I changed jobs only about a year before Brian got sick.
Brian's illness was a catalyst for some relationships to grow close very quickly and for other relationships to become awkward and fade a bit. His passing and my efforts to heal have introduced me to all sorts of new people, some of whom I suspect will become close friends and others will probably be a temporary comfort. I've also reconnected with friends I'd thought I'd lost and discovered a level of sincerity in relationships I'd always considered superficial.
As much as I appreciate these new or evolved relationships, it kind of bothers me that so many people only know me as this weepy, unreliable, self-centered flake who barely leaves her house.
I have no choice right now but to be weak and vulnerable and needy and I absolutely hate it. This is NOT who I am.
I'm supposed to be a badass. I'm supposed to be creative and efficient and resourceful and brilliant. I'm supposed to be bulletproof. I'm the one who can deal with the crazies without getting any on me. I create solutions when all else has already failed and I bring out the best in the people around me.
Just not right now. Right now I suck.
I don't think I will, nor do I even want to get back to being my old self (whatever that would mean), but I am working very hard to suck less and hopefully, over time, I'll be a badass again.
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| We were doing laundry at Camp Darby in Livorno, Italy during a trip with my parents that could easily be likened to a Griswold family vacation. . There was a shoppette next door so we got water guns to help pass the time. |
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