Getting Answers

In the first month after Brian passed away I used to have simulated conversations with him in my own mind. At first it wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened. After 21 years together I just know how he would have responded in any given situation and the way he would have replied to things I might say. I know his voice and could recreate it in my mind, so I would just fill in his side of the conversation. It was helpful in working through some of the guilt and regret that comes with the process of grieving.

To be honest, I think I did this when he was alive as well. In fact, I suspect anyone in a long term relationship has probably done it. I would basically have an entire two-sided argument entirely in my own head.  I would think about what I wanted to say and then I would just KNOW what his response would be and how he would sound saying it, so then I would think about it and consider my counterpoint and on and on.

With that in mind, these are a handful of questions I wish I had thought to ask while Brian was still here. I think his answers would have been different in the last few days of his illness than they might have been prior to his diagnosis, but I think I can still make a pretty good guess at how he would have answered.

How do you want to be remembered?
I want to be remembered as a carefree and fun-loving guy who told great stories and made everyone laugh.

What's the most important thing you want me to remember about you?
I love you.
That's cheating, pick something else.
I'm great in bed?
Be serious!
I wanted you to be happy. That's what I want you to remember about me.

What was your single greatest accomplishment?
Being debt free and able to buy exactly the house and furniture and car and pool that I wanted without compromising on any detail. I started out with next to nothing - everything I have represents hard work and perseverance. I'm proud of that.

Will you forgive me? 
For what?
For everything I ever did wrong in our relationship.
Sure. Next question?

Will you pray with me?

Do I have to?
Yes
Then I will.

In the early part of our marriage we argued a lot about going to church and participating in organized religion, so I stopped bringing it up. More recently Brian referred to himself as a Christian and he agreed with me that God's grace was present throughout this experience. I asked Brian to pray with the hospice chaplain and he agreed that he would, but the chaplain got there too late. I know that Brian said the magic prayer when he was a teenager (any christian will know what I'm talking about - if you don't know we can chat later). I'm certain that Brian is in heaven, but I would feel a lot better about it if I had just asked him to pray with ME instead of waiting for the chaplain. 

On a related note:
Lately I've shifted from talking to Brian, who can not hear me, to talking to God, who I believe does hear me. I can never know if the answers I get from God and Jesus are real or if they are similarly simulated responses based on scriptural knowledge or maybe even just giving myself the answer I want to hear. I'm still wrestling with that a little, but I've made a conscious decision to try to abandon doubt and rely on faith.

Brian in storytelling mode.