Things I'm struggling with:
Inertia - It's incredibly hard for me to move when I'm resting or rest when I'm moving. I don't change gears or directions very quickly. I'm not as efficient or productive as I was before which makes it hard for me to stay on schedule and get things done. As a result, I'm often running late and unprepared for whatever it is we're supposed to be doing. Conversations with me can be disjointed and hard to follow. I sometimes get stuck in a single thought process and other times my mind is racing and I can't focus.
Selfish- I have a hard time listening to the things my friends, family and co-workers talk to me about. Even if I try, I find I simply can't care about most of the trivial things that people find to complain about. I'm impatient, intolerant and irritable and listening to someone whine about things that are probably perfectly valid problems is just too much for me.
Can't seem to lose weight? My husband is dead. Your co-worker took credit for your idea? My husband is dead. Your commute sucks, you're going bald, and your wife kicked you out? Those are all valid and serious issues, but I can't seem to find it in myself to care. I'll be quiet while you talk about it and I'll try not to be indignant or dismissive, but in the end, my husband is dead and that's the only thing I can seem to think or care about at the moment.
Isolation - I'm not terribly interested in going out into the world most of the time. I don't belong there right now. I'm not in the same place as everyone else and I'm very aware of it. Experiencing emotions when I'm out in public is embarrassing and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm off balance when I am among people. It takes a lot of effort to smile and be cordial and interact like a civilized human. It's completely exhausting.
Selfish- I have a hard time listening to the things my friends, family and co-workers talk to me about. Even if I try, I find I simply can't care about most of the trivial things that people find to complain about. I'm impatient, intolerant and irritable and listening to someone whine about things that are probably perfectly valid problems is just too much for me.
Can't seem to lose weight? My husband is dead. Your co-worker took credit for your idea? My husband is dead. Your commute sucks, you're going bald, and your wife kicked you out? Those are all valid and serious issues, but I can't seem to find it in myself to care. I'll be quiet while you talk about it and I'll try not to be indignant or dismissive, but in the end, my husband is dead and that's the only thing I can seem to think or care about at the moment.
Isolation - I'm not terribly interested in going out into the world most of the time. I don't belong there right now. I'm not in the same place as everyone else and I'm very aware of it. Experiencing emotions when I'm out in public is embarrassing and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm off balance when I am among people. It takes a lot of effort to smile and be cordial and interact like a civilized human. It's completely exhausting.
I am much more at ease when I'm home. It's secure and stable, my dogs are here and I know where the food is. I've gotten used to being here without Brian. I've taken ownership of this space and I'm able to function fairly normally here.
Some things my friends can do that are helpful
- Hang out with me at my house. I may or may not entertain you, but I'll definitely appreciate your presence.
- Text/Chat - I find that both real time and asynchronous conversations via text and chat help me feel connected to other people. I can talk and even if something in the conversation triggers an emotional response, it can't be seen on my face. It's up to me to share it.
- Video Games - One of the most helpful things for me so far has been playing Rocket League with my friend in Texas. It's lighthearted / mindless fun and a great distraction. Best of all, I can play with friends without ever leaving the house. I have XBOX One, Wii U and a PC. Let me know if you want to play.
- Come with me to some place I routinely go - Boyce Thompson Arboretum, Dog Park, church, Eastmark community functions. These are places and activities where I feel stable and secure (most of the time).
Work - I'm unfocused to say the least. Mental tasks are harder for me and keeping track of details is nearly impossible. I am operating at about 70% capacity at the most right now. Luckily, I started out as a badass, so I'm still more functional than most of my peers.
Troubleshooting and problem solving are stressful for me and it takes much longer to recover from a distraction than normal. I'm less efficient when multi-tasking which means I need fewer disruptions and a less chaotic workflow to be most effective. Oh...and the ridiculous passive aggressive nature of office politics is really draining. I hope my co-workers will be patient and understanding when I don't have the energy to tip toe around their fragile egos.
Money - I have a budget that I can work with but it doesn't include a lot of frivolity. I want to and am able to pay for myself when I'm out with friends, but for now it's best to stick with low or no cost activities and reasonably priced restaurants. Also, if anyone has tips for how to be an avid NFL fan without a sports TV package, that would be great.
Troubleshooting and problem solving are stressful for me and it takes much longer to recover from a distraction than normal. I'm less efficient when multi-tasking which means I need fewer disruptions and a less chaotic workflow to be most effective. Oh...and the ridiculous passive aggressive nature of office politics is really draining. I hope my co-workers will be patient and understanding when I don't have the energy to tip toe around their fragile egos.
Money - I have a budget that I can work with but it doesn't include a lot of frivolity. I want to and am able to pay for myself when I'm out with friends, but for now it's best to stick with low or no cost activities and reasonably priced restaurants. Also, if anyone has tips for how to be an avid NFL fan without a sports TV package, that would be great.
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| Brian and Tess "watching the game" on any given Sunday during NFL season at the old house. |
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