There's No Way To Make Tears Seem Funny

I find that I like the feeling of tears on my cheeks.

Shortly after Brian died, my brain wouldn't allow me to feel much of anything. I'm thankful for this now, but at the time I thought maybe it was an indicator that I didn't really love my husband or that I was a cold and callous person.

I remember talking to friends and family about it and expressing a fear that I wasn't sad enough. I was afraid that someday it would all come at once and overwhelm me, or that if I couldn't figure out how to feel what I was supposed to be feeling, that I would lose my mind.

After what I think was about a month, the emotional barriers eventually started letting things get through to be processed.

I was driving to work the first time I really, REALLY cried. The feeling of those big, fat hot tears rolling down my face was such a relief.  The pain of grief is all I have left of the love of my life, and feeling the full force of it was so much better than the numbness of those first several weeks.

As time goes by, I find that my tears have changed.  I remember thinking how unusually fat and hot my tears were that time in the car (and on several other occasions since then). I had never cried like that before. These were the tears that Brian deserved. This was the intensity of emotion that our relationship inspired. In that way, it was familiar and comforting to feel those big fat tears burning down my face.

I can't and don't want to live in a state of overwhelming pain. As time passes and I go through the process of grieving, my tears have gotten smaller and they aren't hot anymore. I know this is a good thing, but I still feel guilty when I realize that the intensity is fading. (Please don't comment on that sentence.)

Sometimes I experience emotion and the pain of grief without tears, but it's not as satisfying. My tears are my connection to and expression of the love I shared with Brian. Whether they are the big, burning tears of pain and loss or the quiet, cool stream that comes with the sweet memories of our times together, I find that I appreciate my tears now and am not so eager to wipe them away.

Brian and I in Paris
New Year's Eve 1999-2000